Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
