Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
