so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
