I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
