How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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