My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
