you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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