a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
