I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
