So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
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he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
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We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.