you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
