Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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