If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
