She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
