I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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