I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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