Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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