Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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