He kissed a someone with a penis
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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