I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
