nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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