Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
