my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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