On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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