remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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