I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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