I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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