Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
