I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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