my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's the barista slut.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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