So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
