i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
