I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
