Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
