i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just want nice things and good sex
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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