Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
