Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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