You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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