He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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