I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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