i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
