i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
