he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
