my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
