I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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