I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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