if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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