I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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