***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
