I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
