i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead