Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
