seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Holy sore nipples Batman
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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