You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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