be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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