I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
