well I can't set my house on fire every night
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Terrible idea I love it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
