Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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