why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
