he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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