No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
