i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
