I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
